


Real, Or not

by LeafZelindor



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Challenge fic, Gen, Implied Samifer, Sam is crazy, angsty, sam centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-05 16:35:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16371209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeafZelindor/pseuds/LeafZelindor
Summary: Sam knows he's not crazy, but everyone else thinks he is. There is an angel watching over him, and Lucifer haunts his dreams. He can't ever leave this place. It's the only place he's safe. Even if a Demon is his nurse. At least she's nice.





	Real, Or not

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Sam Creations Challenge on tumblr.   
> Month prompt was Emotions  
> Personal Prompt inspiration  
> {Variation} Crazy!Sam  
> {Word} Trust

Sometimes he wondered what was him. Was he really Sam Winchester any more? Did Sam Winchester still exist inside of him? The real one, the one who had been born to Mary and John Winchester. The one who had grown up admiring his older brother and been so proud to get into Stanford with a full ride?

What had happened to the Sam who had loved Jessica? Who had wanted to be a lawyer and help people? 

He didn't know any more. 

Sam stared at his hands quietly and just turned them over. They’d already been so many other people’s hands. He’d been a killer, he’d been a lover. He’d been a brother. He just wanted to be Sam. 

“Sammy?” Dean’s voice started him and he half looked up, blinking. Dean looked happy, It was weird, and it was good, and he also felt a flicker of fear.

“You’re not Dean,” he said sharply, he was rewarded with a laugh and suddenly another face, a far too familiar face was before him. He rubbed his hands against his eyes and shoved that one away. And then he was alone again. He shivered and shifted to lay himself down. To try and focus on something else. Something away from him, away from here. Sterile and white and lonely. 

“Sam?” A soft tap. “It’s time for your pills.” He sighed heavily at that. The orderlies here were all so nice. But they couldn’t possibly understand, they couldn’t do anything to stop it. “Sam? Or is it Gadreel today?” 

“It’s Sam.” He said quietly now, shivering as he made himself sit up, turn around to face the heart shaped face of the woman who usually brought his afternoon meds. She was the most patient, the most understanding. Sometimes he thought he knew her. He wasn’t sure why. She smiled and moved over to offer him the little plastic cup. The cup that held his antipsychotic medication. At the very least it helped him sleep, even if he still saw things, lost himself. 

“Bad day?” She asked with a smile as he took the pills and knocked them back, he then reached for the little bottle of water to wash them down. He let her check to make sure he’d swallowed. He always made sure to, if he didn’t then Lucifer decided to come and bother him, not letting him sleep. He’d tried, oh he’d tried not taking them. It wasn’t worth it. 

“...yeah,” he put the empty bottle down and then moved to lay down once more.

“You should come down to the main room Sam. I bet today Jimmy is there,” she coaxed now. Meg. Her name was Meg. Somehow that seemed right. He didn’t ask though he knew her nametag said something else. Sam stared at the wall across from his bed in utter silence for about 30 seconds now. He didn’t want to see Jimmy Novak right now, he knew that the angel inside the man was trapped there and it was painful to him. 

“Just a suggestion, think about it. Come down if you think you want to socialize.” 

He could hear her moving now, picking up the tray. Meg wasn’t this nice unless she wanted something from you. What did she want with him? Not just to be social. 

“She wants in your pants, like they all do.” He tried to push down that voice. That voice was the one that made his skin crawl the worst. The things Lucifer had done to him. He curled up a little bit now. “Ignore me all you want Sammy, you know it’s true.”

“Go away.” He hissed to himself, knowing it was pointless, until the medication really kicked in, Lucifer would just hang out and taunt him. That face, that smug voice, the promise of dragging him back into the cage again. 

The therapist he was required to work with was sure that this cage was all in his mind, that he’d been in some sort of prison situation and his mind had warped it into Lucifer, Michael, Adam and the Cage. That he was using those visions to protect himself. He knew it was real, all of it, even this. Lucifer was in this room with him, right now.

“I am cutie pie and I won’t be going anywhere. I wish I could touch you again. You always cried so pretty for me.” 

Sam shifted and pulled the pillow around his head. It didn’t really muffle the taunts but it certainly made him feel better, temporarily. Somehow, he was able to fall asleep even if his dreams were all a mess this time.

//

“Sammy.. Sammy come on. I didn’t come out here to stare at your back.” 

Dean was the constant. Dean never changed. Sam didn’t know why his brother tried to come see him as often as he did. He had his own worries, his own life. Sam sighed quietly and then made himself sit up, then after a moment looking up from the sterile white of his bed to his brother in the doorway. Looking tired and yet so alive. Sam swallowed now. 

“Hey Dean…” He said a little thickly. “How are you?”

“Missin my little brother.” Dean glanced over his shoulder. Nurse Meg was there she just nodded and motioned for Dean to have a seat, then she moved to step away. Dean quietly tugged the plain chair near the door at the small table and sank into it with a flop. “Nurse Joy out there says that you’ve had a run of bad days….”

“He’s been here.” Sam said glumly. Meaning Lucifer. “I had to…..Get away.” That was what he called it when Gadreel was in control and he hid in his own mind. 

“But it’s Sam right now right? All yourself and nobody else?” Dean asked quietly as he watched his brother. Sam flinched, knowing that Dean had been so used to what had happened to him that it didn’t even surprise him when Sam started to fracture to pieces. 

“Yeah,” the word was soft and Sam just felt so, lost, scared, wrong. “S’Cas with you?”

“Castiel? I think he’s in the public meeting room,” Dean said smoothly, Sam wondered if it was just humoring him. He knew Castiel had saved his brother from hell, just as he knew that the angel would watch over him. Castiel chose to stay trapped here and watch over Sam, he didn’t have to but he did. Sam sighed and moved to stand. 

“Let’s go see Cas,” Sam insisted now and then he moved to push past Dean, for the first time in a week willingly heading for the group therapy room, which during visiting hours often had visitors and games set out. Today there was a movie on the tv, but his destination was Castiel, sitting over by a window with a game box in front of him. Castiel’s blue eyes were bright as he looked up at the brothers.

“Hello Sam, Dean,” he said very politely as always. It was cute how nice he was.

“Hey man,” Dean nodded and moved to sit, he shifted to get his phone out. “Want to see the new pictures I have of Ben?” He grinned as he offered and moved to tap about on the small screen.

Sam twitched faintly as he sank down. Why was he still with that woman? Didn’t he know that it was dangerous to have a family? They’d be taken away, the demons would find them. He was quiet though as Dean showed of pictures of Ben, a cute kid, about ten years old who looked like a little version of Dean himself. Castiel smiled at that and then sighed.

“I got a new picture of Claire.” Castiel said, carefully patting the trench coat he wore over his issued cotton outfit. The only thing that made him different from the rest of the patients here. Sam watched him pull out a new looking photo of a pretty blond girl. He knew that she wasn’t Castiel’s daughter really. No that was his vessel’s, Jimmy Novak’s, daughter.

“She’s getting big.” Dean said with a nod now and smiled at Castiel. It was a polite smile. “How treatment?”

“They don’t believe I’m an angel,” Castiel shrugged and then he looked at Sam. “That I am trying to protect Sam….”

“I told you they wouldn’t,” Sam said now and then he shrugged and tugged over the game box and he started to open it up. “Let’s play a game.”

He pretended not to notice when Doctor stepped over and asked to talk to Dean. His brother quietly excusing himself and stepped away. Sam took a breath and startled as Castiel’s fingers settled over his, giving a gentle and quick squeeze. “It’s all right Sam.”

“Is it?” 

The reply was soft and almost lost. He looked into bright blue eyes. He knew what the doctor was saying. Sam wasn’t getting better. Neither was Castiel. They’d come in almost the same time, and neither had improved much, though the medication did keep the worst of his own voices away. Castiel never ever answered to the name on his paperwork, he said that only Sam understood what he was. He wasn’t surprised that anyone else didn’t believe them. Most of the staff humored them, but they both heard the whispers. 

“We’re going to escape,” Castiel promised now, his eyes bright. “I’ll get us out of here, I’ve spoken to the other angels….”

“I need my medication though,” Sam whispered softly. “You know it’s the only way I can keep him away.” He swallowed hard. He couldn’t let Lucifer come back. He’d done bad things when Lucifer had gotten into his head. He couldn’t face it again. He shivered a little bit.

“Hey Sammy.” 

Dean’s voice was behind him now and he swallowed. Sam slowly looked at his brother, not sure what he was going to say. “Yeah?”

“Doc thinks it might do you some good to take a day trip. Come home with me to see Lisa and Ben.” Dean smiled at him. “He says your meds are really helping….”

“No,” Sam said sharply, standing up, not quite listening to how the chair clattered behind him. “I can’t, I’ll put them in danger Dean. He will know they are there and he’ll send the demons and they’ll hurt them. I can’t.” His words tumbling out of his mouth. He only fell quiet when Cas’ hand curled around his and he could sense the warmth of the angel’s wings curling around him protectively. He swallowed now. “I, I don’t want to.”

Dean paused and his eyes flicked to Cas and then back to Sam and he nodded, stuffing his hands in his pocket. “Okay Sammy. It’s fine. Another time maybe.” He nodded, giving that smile that said he was just tolerating Sam’s outburst to placate him. Sam turned and buried his face into Castiel’s neck. He wanted Dean to leave. He couldn’t see him like this. He felt a broad hand slide over his back and he just clung to the trench coat hanging from the other man’s shoulders. 

“I think it’s time you went, Dean.” Castiel’s voice was rumbly and protective. Sam took a sharp breath and then closed his eyes. He was safe like this. Nobody could get him. Castiel was a Seraph, he’d protect him. They stood like this for some minutes before Castiel gently nudged him back. He lifted his head and sighed, just letting his forehead press into the other man’s. 

“Jimmy, I need you to step back.” It was one of the orderlies, Jim. Sam didn’t want to let go of Castiel, he didn’t like that they were using his vessel’s name either. 

“Please, Jim just let me take him to his room. Then I will go to mine, I intend no trouble.” Castiel’s voice was a quiet rumble. There was a pause and then Sam assumed that Jim had nodded because Cas was nudging him to turn around and Sam did. They walked quietly now, Sam clinging still to the edge of the angel’s trench coat, at least until the doorway of his room. He slowly pried his own fingers off of it and stepped in. Letting Jim move over to give him a dose of a sedative. Castiel remained in the doorway even as Jim left and Sam sank onto the bed. He knew he was safe, with Cas watching over him, nothing could get him. Not Lucifer, not anyone else. 

“Sleep well, Sam,” Castiel whispered now, and then there was a flutter of wings as Sam’s eyes sank closed. One day it would be okay. One day. After the end of the world, he’d be able to rest again.


End file.
